A good day turns sour

Today started off really well, I got to see my media coursework played on the big screen in one of the cinemas in Cambridge, it was really good and I had a laugh with Shona. It was nice to not feel like I had any pressure to do anything a specific way or act a certain way.

Once the stuff at the cinema had finished I spent pretty much the rest of the day on my own, it was nice in a way to not have to do what everyone else wants me to do, I could just do what I wanted it was great.

But I was soon brought back to reality, I got home to find out my bus pass to college isn’t go to be renewed for free, I’ll have to pay £600 for it… my parents can’t afford that sort of money, neither can I. I don’t know what to do about it, I can’t just leave college if I did that then I'd be proving everyone right, they all think I won’t go to university because I won’t get the grades or I’ll drop out of college. I’m not going to I’m going to keep going, I’ve got this far, I’m not going to give up now.

I have some exciting news though my poetry and lyrics writing is taking off quite well and I’m also thinking about getting back into rapping! So things on that front are looking up!

I hope me and Scott can get back on track properly soon things between us are pretty tough at the moment, I know we’ll get through it, we always do.

I need to get as many extra days as possible before the end of July so I can afford to go to Scott’s I’m sure I will be able to I just need £150 in total for the holiday and train tickets to begin with but then I will need some extra cash for paying for stuff while I’m there. I’m hoping the data entry company sort out their site soon as I can make some money there too but I’m definitely going to make sure I’m at work as much as possible over the next 2 weeks.

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Little fed up

Another day where I feel like I haven’t spoken to Scott properly, but he’s at Tom’s funeral and is supporting his sister so I respect that. He text me earlier saying that he wasn’t going to come and visit anymore, I really couldn’t believe what he was saying after I’d booked time off from work and made it so that I could see him… Apparently it was because of an argument with his parents over his sister, but it’s been sorted out and he’s is still coming.

My heads been all over the place the last few days and loads of little things that wouldn’t normally get to me have…Just gotta work through things one at a time and see where things go. But some people are really starting to get to me, I’ve had enough of people taking me for granted and just expecting me to be there whenever they need me and walking all over me, well it’s not going to be like that anymore. I’m fed up of all the stupid arguments. I’m tired of putting myself last so that I can keep everyone else happy, well it isn’t going to be like that anymore I’m going to start doing things for me. I’m sick and tired of feeling like I’m not good enough, it’s time to move on from everything in the past and move on into the future with the people I want to be in it.

I’m supposed to have a basketball trial tomorrow but I’m still not sure whether I want to go, I don’t really know if it’s worth it.

I’m just looking forward to Friday – if Scott still comes…

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Ever get that feeling your not wanted?

Kind of how I’m feeling right now. I’ve hardly seen or heard off of any of my ‘mates’ since we broke up for study leave and I feel really distant from my family right now too. It doesn’t look like me and Scott will be seeing each other over the summer very much either…

I just wish I had something to look forward to over the summer, I can’t guarantee that I’ll do anything with any of my mates because when I’m not at college we don’t really speak, and with Scott being away for most of it I can’t see us being able to do anything either. Plus I’m not going on holiday with my family this year either, this summer is shaping up to be one I’d rather forget already, and it’s not even started! I just wish I had some plans, at least I know I’ve got work to fall back on if I can’t sort anything else out.

I looked at going to T4OTB seeing as I couldn’t go last year, but turns out that would be way to expensive.

I was kind of hoping me and Scott could go away together, but that was wishful thinking, considering how much it would cost, and that it would be hard to get there, plus Scott’s parents wouldn’t let us anyways, mine probably wouldn’t be too keen either so that one got ruled out.

I just wish I had something planned to look forward to, and that it felt like someone wanted me around…

I don’t know why but I’ve been in tears over all this for no reason, it’s not something I should cry about, it’s just making me feel worse and incredibly stupid.

I just want something to look forward to! Is that too much to ask?

I hate being in this kind of mood, I just want to be able to cuddle up with Scott… but I can’t. it would make everything feel so much better, it really would. I miss him more than ever right now, I can’t wait to see him and be able to spend some time with him.

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Just one of those days

Today I’ve been in a really odd mood, I’m thinking about things way to much that I would normally think about. It really isn’t like me to be like this.

I was really worried this morning because I woke up to a text from Joe saying that our ICT exam was today and not tomorrow. Turns out it is actually tomorrow, I figured that out after 20 mins of panicking.

Once I realised I was actually going to be home all day I decided to just chill out completely all day, something I haven’t been able to do in a while, I ended up doing some data entry work (earnt £9.10, I’ve worked out that this month i should earn over £200, will be pretty cool if that happens!!) and I’ve spent hours playing on zoo tycoon, so basically I’ve wasted the day.

I have spent quite a bit of the day talking to Scott which has been good and will really make up for the fact I can’t talk to him for practically the whole day tomorrow as I’m in isolation all day…. I’m really not looking forward to it. I’ve discovered that he looks REALLY good in a proper shirt, I think he should wear them more often.

I’ve been looking at starting driving lessons again but I really do think it’ll be way to expensive for the time being, especially when I’m trying to save for uni.

Me and Scott have started to have major problems again tonight. He had ago at me for being upset, which I can’t really help if that’s how I feel, I thought he would have been there for me but instead he had a go at me. I don’t think I’m allowed to have feelings anymore. He posts all our problems on facebook and that kind of annoys me because our relationship is private, I don’t want everyone knowing all our problems like that… Plus I found out that the chain I got him for us being together a year, he never got fixed after it got broken, that kind of hurt me a little bit because that was supposed to be something special, but it can’t of meant that much to him if he’s left it this long. I wish things like this would stop happening between us…

Milly has invited me out with everyone for a Chinese, but I don’t think I’ll be able to go as if I do I won’t be able to afford to do anything with Scott and Stacey when they come to stay in Cambridge.

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Happy Birthday!

Today is my brother, Aaron’s, birthday. He is 14. I haven’t written anything for a few days because there hasn’t really been a lot to write about.

Yesterday I was at work again. It was unbelievably busy as the rota had been messed up so we were short staffed. So I ended up working all over the place, I worked in the ticket and main shop for most of the day with Haley and Scott, then for about an hour or so I got trained by Abbie on how to work in the ice cream kiosk, which turned out to be fairly simple! It was just so busy, apart from my lunch break I didn’t really stop until 6pm.

Once I left work I had to go down to Tescos with my Dad because I needed to get a present for Aaron and I wanted to pick up an external hard drive as they were on offer! I also picked up a mouse to use with my laptop. I also bumped into Kersha and her mum Nina, we had a good catch up and chat about loads of stuff.

I then went down to the Chinese and fish and chip shop with my Dad to get some tea.

This morning Aaron woke me up at 5am because he wanted to open his presents… I wasn’t happy seeing as it is my day off from work I wanted to be able to have a lie in. It didn’t happen although he did like the dvd I got him, so that was good.

Me and my Mum and Dad then went to Tescos (again!) to go and get some food as we don’t have a lot in our house, I wanted to get a new purse but I didn’t like any in Tescos so we went down to the factory shop and I was able to pick a really nice one up in there for £2 and I got two new pairs of plimsolls.

We then went to the beafeater to have a meal to celebrate Aaron’s birthday, everything took ages to arrive but the food was really good! I love the food there especially the chocolate fudge brownie sundaes.

Once we came home I’ve spent the evening trying to come up with some ideas for my own business with Scott and he’s come up with some really good stuff for me! I really appreciate it, he’s really good with ideas and helping me out with things like this. I feel really bad though because the last few days I’ve been really snappy with him because I’ve been so tired, and worn out from work and the lack of sleep I’ve been having. But I’m so glad he’s there for me through it all, and I’m so glad he puts up with everything he does from me because I love him so much.

Not a lot else to say really, back to work tomorrow!

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Up and Down

Today has been and up and down day, one minute things are good and and I’m in a good, happy mood the next things are bad and I’m sad and upset.

Me and Scott have been a bit up and down but now everything is good again! and hopefully it stays that way. I LOVE YOU SCOTT!!

Not a lot has happened today really, I’ve just had a bit of a chilled out day as I’m working tomorrow., unusually I’m not looking forward to it, I think that is because I’m so tired at the moment. Plus it will probably be busy as its half term, not fun….

Well there isn’t a lot else to say…

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Exams, stress & more stress

 

Today has been surprisingly good although I’ve been tired all day which hasn’t been to great. Plus it was a full day at college without any frees, although I had a laugh with everyone which made it feel as though the day was passing really fast.

I have my media exam tomorrow, I’m starting to get really nervous for it I don’t feel prepared at all… BUT I have a free first thing tomorrow which means I can revise then.

I have reached just over 900 entries for my data entry job this month, I’m quite pleased with that considering I have really spent much time doing it.

Me and Scott still aren’t great but things are improving although I have just found out next summer he isn’t going to be around at all, add that to the fact we aren’t going to be able to speak/ see each other for 3 weeks this summer, its just…. We don’t get to spend the time together I would want us to anyways now we won’t get to spend the time we could actually be able to spend together. Its frustrating/ annoying/ upsetting…. I don’t know. But there things Scott wants to do so I can’t get in the way of that. Plus next summer is going to be really important for me because it’s the summer before I go off to uni so it would have been nice to have him around for that, but he’s got things he wants to do so…. These things happen, just can’t focus on them too much until they happen. Plus I was hoping that maybe we could have gone away together as I would be 18 by then but we can’t seeing as he won’t be around next summer and I didn’t want to tell Scott because I was hoping to surprise him bit late for all that now.

Not a lot else to say really, need to catch up on my sleep!

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Major Nerves

I’m really bricking it for today. I just really want to make a good impression. Start at 10am finish at 6pm, if I get the job I start next week, I really need this job!

Found out Scott was taken to hospital last night, I’m really worried about him, because I don’t know what is happening… Although I’m kind of p***** off that he told me he hated this girl called Jazz and that he doesn’t spend any time with her and yet he’s going to the cinema with her, god knows what that’s about (I don’t have a problem with being friends I just don’t like being lied to), plus I try sorting us out last night and he made it all about him again, sometimes I wonder if he thinks I have any feelings too. I really don’t know what is going to happen to us right now, it seems like everything always end up being my fault at the moment and I always end up being the bad person.

Sorry people, needed to vent…

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Perfect Two

I don’t think Scott remembered but today we have been together for 13 months, quite a long time really. Although today has been kind of ruined by the fact that last night we were arguing and now today things have been weird between us. At the moment we’re not even talking, so things really aren’t that great between us and if I’m honest I don’t really know what to do about it.

I spoke to my ex Louis today/ last night and we had a bit of a catch up since we’ve split up we’ve become really good mates. He’s now got himself a new girlfriend and I’m really pleased for him because he’s been through a lot lately and she seems like a really nice girl, so I hope it all works out for him.

College today has felt really long, most probably because I’ve been in a really bad mood all day and I didn’t sleep last night. I had politics and business today. My politics teacher wasn’t in so we had our old teacher and I ended up doing nothing for the whole lesson, probably not the best plan but I really couldn’t be bothered. I had a free second lesson so I just chilled out with loads of people having a laugh, then I had business which unusually seemed to last forever. Then I got to go home, after a little detour to Waitrose.

Right now I’m preparing for this trial I’ve got tomorrow, wish me luck guys… I really don’t know what to expect since I haven’t been able to get very far with many job applications so right now I’m not getting my hopes up too much.

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