Nightmare of a day!

As the days get closer to Scott going away, it’s getting even harder to think of him not being there for 3 weeks. Today I did something I promised myself I’d never do, not open up to him but we had a little talk about it and we straightened things out and it wasn’t long until he had me smiling again.

I had a bit of a shock phone call today – I love my job. Basically because everyone wanted the same time off over the summer they can’t afford to keep everyone on and be short staffed so they’ve let me and another person go. It’s really gutting because I really enjoy working there but something else will come up and hopefully it won’t be too long until I have another job again. Plus I’m working there until the 19th August anyway so it should still fill a lot of my summer. This has really promoted me to find out what is happening to do with my data entry job too!

I’ve spent quite a lot of today trying to get some contacts together so that I can really get into the whole poetry and writing thing, I’ve also started my first proper story. Hopefully over the summer I can really produce some written works I am proud of and that other people enjoy to read too! I hope that within my written works I can get across different messages and create different emotions from my readers too. We’ll see how it goes in the future!

You might notice that I’ve added a few pictures down the side of this blog, I thought it needed a little bit of a change so I picked out a few of my favourite photos of me and Scott.

I’m missing Scott like crazy at the moment – all I want is a cuddle and a kiss so that today doesn’t feel as bad as it does right now. But I’ll be with him soon enough, and I’m with him for a really long time too so I can’t wait, it’s going to be truly amazing to see him, and I’ll be counting down the days while he’s away until I get to be with him. Tuesday is really coming round way faster than I want it too.

I had a bit of a chilled out evening watching the back episodes of the undercover boss on 4OD I love that show and can’t believe I watched it for the first time yesterday, I really recommend it to everyone but that’s probably because I’m a bit of a business head. I did get quite a good life quote from one of the episode – Quitters don’t win. I think I’m going to start living by that because it is so true!

- OVER AND OUT -

A good day turns sour

Today started off really well, I got to see my media coursework played on the big screen in one of the cinemas in Cambridge, it was really good and I had a laugh with Shona. It was nice to not feel like I had any pressure to do anything a specific way or act a certain way.

Once the stuff at the cinema had finished I spent pretty much the rest of the day on my own, it was nice in a way to not have to do what everyone else wants me to do, I could just do what I wanted it was great.

But I was soon brought back to reality, I got home to find out my bus pass to college isn’t go to be renewed for free, I’ll have to pay £600 for it… my parents can’t afford that sort of money, neither can I. I don’t know what to do about it, I can’t just leave college if I did that then I'd be proving everyone right, they all think I won’t go to university because I won’t get the grades or I’ll drop out of college. I’m not going to I’m going to keep going, I’ve got this far, I’m not going to give up now.

I have some exciting news though my poetry and lyrics writing is taking off quite well and I’m also thinking about getting back into rapping! So things on that front are looking up!

I hope me and Scott can get back on track properly soon things between us are pretty tough at the moment, I know we’ll get through it, we always do.

I need to get as many extra days as possible before the end of July so I can afford to go to Scott’s I’m sure I will be able to I just need £150 in total for the holiday and train tickets to begin with but then I will need some extra cash for paying for stuff while I’m there. I’m hoping the data entry company sort out their site soon as I can make some money there too but I’m definitely going to make sure I’m at work as much as possible over the next 2 weeks.

- OVER AND OUT -

A truly amazing weekend

I really have had an amazing weekend. Seeing Scott just for these few days has been amazing! It is really hard right now though knowing he will be on the train back tomorrow but I’m not letting those thoughts ruin the amazing time we’ve had together. It’s just been really good to be a normal couple and go shopping together and eat out together just normal things like that.

I bought him a hoody yesterday and he looked really good in it, I am practically broke now but I haven’t been shopping properly like this weekend in a long time so it’s been nice to be able to treat myself to a few nice things too.

Punting today with Scott and his sister was brilliant too, Scott did all the work but he was actually really good at it! He fell in once, managed to whack me round the head with the metal pole and get me wet with his massive splash into the river.

I’m just really glad we got to spend the time together that we have this weekend, it’s really shown me how good we are together and how stupid all of these little arguments have been. I’m so glad everything is now sorted between us and we are back to how we should be.

Plus it’s been good seeing Stacey too.

I’m still constantly arguing with my Dad and it is really starting to do my head in, and if it doesn’t stop I will start to look else where for somewhere to live because I can’t stand this much longer, it really does feel like I can’t do anything right when I’m around him.

Once I get paid for my data entry job for last month I’m sorting out my railcard so that I can see Scott in the summer and I won’t have to rely on my Dad to take me to see him. As me, Scott and his mum are meant to be going camping or something together, I need to book the time off work though so we need to sort it out soon.

I have an ICT trip tomorrow at college so that should be pretty good!

- OVER AND OUT -

A little improvment

Things seem to be improving a little a college, I think I’m finding my place there again.

My poetry is also improving, I’m just writing all the time whenever I have the time… I’m just loving writing again.

Today I journeyed to Burger King with Koshie and had lunch their… I love Burger King… I think I have an addiction.

I got to go home from college early today because my last lesson was technically cancelled. I might have next Thursday off college because of some teacher strikes.

I’m worried about when Scott and Stacey come to stay in Cambridge, because I don’t want Stacey to get up set about me and Scott being together (like physically)… I think I would in her position… So I don’t want things to be awkward for her, but at the same time I want to be able to be with Scott properly for a change especially as we will actually be able to be a proper couple, well at least for a few days… So I don’t know what to do about that….

Anyways, early night as I need to get enough sleep so that I am able to go to work at the weekend…. I have no weekend this weekend I am going to be so dead next week.

- OVER AND OUT -

Ps I might be a properly published poet soon…. all down to if kindle accepts me ebook filled with poems…. already working on my second one, REALLY EXCITED

Feeling Unwanted

I don’t know what to do.

Scott is dealing with so much with his sister at the moment if feels like he hasn’t got time for us, I don’t blame him or Stacey for that at all, I totally understand the situation. He needs to be there for his sister and she should be his priority, I get that I really do, and I probably sound really selfish and completely horrible for saying this, but I just feel in his way at the moment because we haven’t really spoken over that last few days as he’s needed to help his sister, I totally get that – I just need to be patient and wait till he has time for us again, however long that is.

I’m really worried about my cousin, she’s pregnant but it’s really risky because she has a hole in her heart, everything was going really well for her until the last few days, she’s been taken into hospital… the baby is fine but she isn’t and they think it’s to do with her heart.

I feel pushed out by all of my mates too, I really don’t feel like I belong anywhere at the moment, like I have to try to hard to get heard… I’m beginning to give up on everyone. I do the best I can by everyone and all it leads to is being pushed to the side.

Just needed to say this without exploding at someone.

I’m putting together my first proper ebook which has all my poetry in it – it’s looking pretty good at the moment.

- OVER AND OUT -

It’s hard… it really is.

Me and Scott are patching things up I know most people think that I’m stupid but I love him and I care about him and we both want to make things work. There is a big trust issue for me with him right now because of what I saw, it will take time for that to come back I know it won’t come back over night but I hope he understands that and realises it. Things are incredibly hard at the moment but we are working things out and are trying to move forward. I just hope that he proves to me I am doing the right thing by giving him this chance and not make me look like a mug for giving him this chance. – The only thing that is getting me through this is how much I love him and care about him – If he throws it back in my face I’m cutting him out of my life for good because I can’t go through this again.

Today I went to a higher education conference, which has made me really think about this whole uni thing again. I have a lot of reading to do now and a booklet from college to fill out too.

I’m working tomorrow and need a lot of sleep before I’m remotely ready for being there… I’m so exhausted I can’t begin to describe it.

- OVER AND OUT -

Start of Year 2

Things between me and Scott have been all over the place a lot recently, but right now things between us are really good and hopefully they will stay like this. I’m really looking forward to seeing him in July! He wants me to go on this canal tour thing with his family but I don’t know a lot about it, although hopefully I can go.

Not a lot has been happening really, I’m going back to college tomorrow and starting my second year of college already! Even though I may not be able to get in yet… kind of crazy when you think about it. If i do get in for next year then I’ll be one step closer to going to uni, if not…. then I’ll have to think of something else to do!

Anyways I need to sleep and read my new book.

- OVER AND OUT -

Ever get that feeling your not wanted?

Kind of how I’m feeling right now. I’ve hardly seen or heard off of any of my ‘mates’ since we broke up for study leave and I feel really distant from my family right now too. It doesn’t look like me and Scott will be seeing each other over the summer very much either…

I just wish I had something to look forward to over the summer, I can’t guarantee that I’ll do anything with any of my mates because when I’m not at college we don’t really speak, and with Scott being away for most of it I can’t see us being able to do anything either. Plus I’m not going on holiday with my family this year either, this summer is shaping up to be one I’d rather forget already, and it’s not even started! I just wish I had some plans, at least I know I’ve got work to fall back on if I can’t sort anything else out.

I looked at going to T4OTB seeing as I couldn’t go last year, but turns out that would be way to expensive.

I was kind of hoping me and Scott could go away together, but that was wishful thinking, considering how much it would cost, and that it would be hard to get there, plus Scott’s parents wouldn’t let us anyways, mine probably wouldn’t be too keen either so that one got ruled out.

I just wish I had something planned to look forward to, and that it felt like someone wanted me around…

I don’t know why but I’ve been in tears over all this for no reason, it’s not something I should cry about, it’s just making me feel worse and incredibly stupid.

I just want something to look forward to! Is that too much to ask?

I hate being in this kind of mood, I just want to be able to cuddle up with Scott… but I can’t. it would make everything feel so much better, it really would. I miss him more than ever right now, I can’t wait to see him and be able to spend some time with him.

- OVER AND OUT -

Just one of those days

Today I’ve been in a really odd mood, I’m thinking about things way to much that I would normally think about. It really isn’t like me to be like this.

I was really worried this morning because I woke up to a text from Joe saying that our ICT exam was today and not tomorrow. Turns out it is actually tomorrow, I figured that out after 20 mins of panicking.

Once I realised I was actually going to be home all day I decided to just chill out completely all day, something I haven’t been able to do in a while, I ended up doing some data entry work (earnt £9.10, I’ve worked out that this month i should earn over £200, will be pretty cool if that happens!!) and I’ve spent hours playing on zoo tycoon, so basically I’ve wasted the day.

I have spent quite a bit of the day talking to Scott which has been good and will really make up for the fact I can’t talk to him for practically the whole day tomorrow as I’m in isolation all day…. I’m really not looking forward to it. I’ve discovered that he looks REALLY good in a proper shirt, I think he should wear them more often.

I’ve been looking at starting driving lessons again but I really do think it’ll be way to expensive for the time being, especially when I’m trying to save for uni.

Me and Scott have started to have major problems again tonight. He had ago at me for being upset, which I can’t really help if that’s how I feel, I thought he would have been there for me but instead he had a go at me. I don’t think I’m allowed to have feelings anymore. He posts all our problems on facebook and that kind of annoys me because our relationship is private, I don’t want everyone knowing all our problems like that… Plus I found out that the chain I got him for us being together a year, he never got fixed after it got broken, that kind of hurt me a little bit because that was supposed to be something special, but it can’t of meant that much to him if he’s left it this long. I wish things like this would stop happening between us…

Milly has invited me out with everyone for a Chinese, but I don’t think I’ll be able to go as if I do I won’t be able to afford to do anything with Scott and Stacey when they come to stay in Cambridge.

- OVER AND OUT -

Happy Birthday!

Today is my brother, Aaron’s, birthday. He is 14. I haven’t written anything for a few days because there hasn’t really been a lot to write about.

Yesterday I was at work again. It was unbelievably busy as the rota had been messed up so we were short staffed. So I ended up working all over the place, I worked in the ticket and main shop for most of the day with Haley and Scott, then for about an hour or so I got trained by Abbie on how to work in the ice cream kiosk, which turned out to be fairly simple! It was just so busy, apart from my lunch break I didn’t really stop until 6pm.

Once I left work I had to go down to Tescos with my Dad because I needed to get a present for Aaron and I wanted to pick up an external hard drive as they were on offer! I also picked up a mouse to use with my laptop. I also bumped into Kersha and her mum Nina, we had a good catch up and chat about loads of stuff.

I then went down to the Chinese and fish and chip shop with my Dad to get some tea.

This morning Aaron woke me up at 5am because he wanted to open his presents… I wasn’t happy seeing as it is my day off from work I wanted to be able to have a lie in. It didn’t happen although he did like the dvd I got him, so that was good.

Me and my Mum and Dad then went to Tescos (again!) to go and get some food as we don’t have a lot in our house, I wanted to get a new purse but I didn’t like any in Tescos so we went down to the factory shop and I was able to pick a really nice one up in there for £2 and I got two new pairs of plimsolls.

We then went to the beafeater to have a meal to celebrate Aaron’s birthday, everything took ages to arrive but the food was really good! I love the food there especially the chocolate fudge brownie sundaes.

Once we came home I’ve spent the evening trying to come up with some ideas for my own business with Scott and he’s come up with some really good stuff for me! I really appreciate it, he’s really good with ideas and helping me out with things like this. I feel really bad though because the last few days I’ve been really snappy with him because I’ve been so tired, and worn out from work and the lack of sleep I’ve been having. But I’m so glad he’s there for me through it all, and I’m so glad he puts up with everything he does from me because I love him so much.

Not a lot else to say really, back to work tomorrow!

-OVER AND OUT -

Creative Day

Everything between me and Scott are going so well at the moment, he really does make me incredibly happy.

Today has been a really good day overall, I just feel happier about everything in general.

Got work tomorrow and I have to bike there and back, should be interesting…. But I’m looking forward to it, even if it can will be really busy!

I haven’t got a lot else to say really, all I’ve really been doing all day is planning, the book I’m going to write and I hope it will be the first thing that I can get published, I love writing and I hope that I can be successful doing it. I have also been writing some rap lyrics and starting to produce the song. So I have a bit of a creative day today. Oh yeah, I was looking at doing the race for life but I’m not sure that if I will or not, if I am going to I’ll have a month to get sponsors and train for it… but I’m really not sure about doing it…

anyways, bed time soon as I have work tomorrow!

- OVER AND OUT -

Up and Down

Today has been and up and down day, one minute things are good and and I’m in a good, happy mood the next things are bad and I’m sad and upset.

Me and Scott have been a bit up and down but now everything is good again! and hopefully it stays that way. I LOVE YOU SCOTT!!

Not a lot has happened today really, I’ve just had a bit of a chilled out day as I’m working tomorrow., unusually I’m not looking forward to it, I think that is because I’m so tired at the moment. Plus it will probably be busy as its half term, not fun….

Well there isn’t a lot else to say…

- OVER AND OUT -

Plenty to do today

Today has been quite a busy day.

First thing this morning I spoke to Scott on skype, we had a really good chat so it was a nice way to start the morning off!

Then I had to bike to work which is 3.3 miles from my house it only took me 30 minutes to get there though which was a lot faster than I thought it would take me, it meant that I arrived an hour early for work! I had issues with my bike lock as it didn’t even work… It wasn’t too bad arriving to work early as Bethany arrived about 15 minutes after I did so I wasn’t on my own for long, we had a nice little chat and then went into work on time, checked the rota and waited for everyone to arrive.

We all walked down to the play barn apart from Rosie and Scott as they were working in the shop, as soon as we got in the door at the play barn Bethany got a phone call from May saying that I needed to go down to the shop, so I walked all the way back again.

Once I got in the shop I had full till training on the new till, there was a few people arriving to begin with but as we had bad weather it wasn’t that busy. As there wasn’t many people to admit into the park me and Rosie ended up bagging animal feed to sell, we had quite a good chat while we were doing it too. Then May cam and asked if I could help clean the fish filter with her so we spent quite a while making sure that was totally clean and hosing it down, it was quite funny as May kept worrying about me getting my shoes wet. Then I got asked to catch a guinea pig which was quite easy, it got taken out to an event. When I came back into the shop Rosie was going home because she felt ill so then I spent a while selling tickets and various other items in the shop.

I got to have my lunch at 2pm and went outside with Megan and Bethany and ate my lunch while they had their fags, as their lunch finished before mine we went in early and I finished my lunch inside. When I finished my lunch break Bethany had come down from the play barn to help out in the shop. We spent a while filling up more bags of feed to sell as the shop was really quiet. I was then sent off to go do litter picking which took ages as people seem to find it really difficult to put their rubbish in the bins! Once I had done that I did various other little jobs in the shop, tiding up and things like that. Then May showed me how to clean the outside toilets round the park and the ball pit that took quite a while today and isn’t the best job to be given at work! When I had finished that I went back into the shop and helped Bethany to make some keyrings, then I got to go home!

My Dad came to pick me and my bike up so that I didn’t have to bike all the way home which was pretty nice. My phone started playing up so since about 6.15 I haven’t been receiving texts properly, I think I may have sorted it now but I don’t know…

Scott has been to hospital again, he’s cracked his knee cap… I really hate it when he’s hurt himself coz it really worried me especially as when we’re so far apart I can’t do anything to help.

Been collecting some more software onto my laptop, I now have mac’s photobooth on my windows laptop and I also have sony vegas pro.

Not a lot else to say really, just watching Manchester United in the champions league final and then I’m going to bed because I’m really tired.

- OVER AND OUT -