Feels like nothing can go right

I’m still in a bit of a weird mood… I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Everything was finally falling back into place, me and Scott were getting good again, I found my place at college, family stuff was all good… but now I just feel like everything is going backwards.

Me and Scott haven’t really spoken over the last 3 days but that goes back to about a week really with all the bad stuff that went on and all of the arguing, and then with the various things he’s been doing over the past few days it seems sometimes like everything we started to sort out has started to become undone. I feel so bad because he is dealing with so much he’s lost 2 friends in a short space of time and I feel like I can’t be there for him properly because of this distance, I shouldn’t be making this any harder on him by bringing all of this up. I feel like he can’t talk to me, he said he went out tonight so he could take his mind of his friend but I thought talking to me would do that… I guess he needed sometime for himself or something over the last few days but whatever he’s needed it’s beginning to feel like he’s pushing me away. I really do understand he has a lot going on but I wish he’s just let me in because all I want to do is help him.

The other things will sort themselves out in time, I just want my boyfriend back, the person I fell in love with, the person who was always happy, who didn’t worry about everything so much, would make everyone laugh, was always making jokes about stuff… lately I haven’t seen that person hasn’t been inside him. I really miss that side of him. I know in time that person will be back, until then I’ll be by his side helping him through whatever comes his and our way, as much as he lets me in to help.

I can’t wait to see him this weekend

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I stopped writing this post at that point because my parents started arguing again. It’s been happening a lot over the past few weeks I thought it was going to pass, but it hasn’t and tonight everything literally exploded. My mum has threatened to leave and all I can still hear right now is shouting.

I don’t want her to leave but I can’t deal with all this arguing anymore.

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I really cannot wait for this weekend and to be able to spend time with Scott and be able to forget everything that has happened these past few weeks

- OVER AND OUT -

Little fed up

Another day where I feel like I haven’t spoken to Scott properly, but he’s at Tom’s funeral and is supporting his sister so I respect that. He text me earlier saying that he wasn’t going to come and visit anymore, I really couldn’t believe what he was saying after I’d booked time off from work and made it so that I could see him… Apparently it was because of an argument with his parents over his sister, but it’s been sorted out and he’s is still coming.

My heads been all over the place the last few days and loads of little things that wouldn’t normally get to me have…Just gotta work through things one at a time and see where things go. But some people are really starting to get to me, I’ve had enough of people taking me for granted and just expecting me to be there whenever they need me and walking all over me, well it’s not going to be like that anymore. I’m fed up of all the stupid arguments. I’m tired of putting myself last so that I can keep everyone else happy, well it isn’t going to be like that anymore I’m going to start doing things for me. I’m sick and tired of feeling like I’m not good enough, it’s time to move on from everything in the past and move on into the future with the people I want to be in it.

I’m supposed to have a basketball trial tomorrow but I’m still not sure whether I want to go, I don’t really know if it’s worth it.

I’m just looking forward to Friday – if Scott still comes…

- OVER AND OUT -

Just a little thing me and a friend thought up

 

You say I'm crazy, I guess you're right I am crazy about you
You say stay safe, hold me in your arms then
You say I'm dangerous, I guess you're right I'm dangerously in love with you
You say I think to much... that's because you're on my mind every second of the day

Too much to think about

Way too many things going on in my head right now, I just wish it would all go away.

So many people go around treating others like they’re worthless, I don’t get how they can do that to be honest!

I don’t even know how to explain how I feel either…. I thought writing this would help but it doesn’t…

- OVER AND OUT -

A little improvment

Things seem to be improving a little a college, I think I’m finding my place there again.

My poetry is also improving, I’m just writing all the time whenever I have the time… I’m just loving writing again.

Today I journeyed to Burger King with Koshie and had lunch their… I love Burger King… I think I have an addiction.

I got to go home from college early today because my last lesson was technically cancelled. I might have next Thursday off college because of some teacher strikes.

I’m worried about when Scott and Stacey come to stay in Cambridge, because I don’t want Stacey to get up set about me and Scott being together (like physically)… I think I would in her position… So I don’t want things to be awkward for her, but at the same time I want to be able to be with Scott properly for a change especially as we will actually be able to be a proper couple, well at least for a few days… So I don’t know what to do about that….

Anyways, early night as I need to get enough sleep so that I am able to go to work at the weekend…. I have no weekend this weekend I am going to be so dead next week.

- OVER AND OUT -

Ps I might be a properly published poet soon…. all down to if kindle accepts me ebook filled with poems…. already working on my second one, REALLY EXCITED

Feeling Unwanted

I don’t know what to do.

Scott is dealing with so much with his sister at the moment if feels like he hasn’t got time for us, I don’t blame him or Stacey for that at all, I totally understand the situation. He needs to be there for his sister and she should be his priority, I get that I really do, and I probably sound really selfish and completely horrible for saying this, but I just feel in his way at the moment because we haven’t really spoken over that last few days as he’s needed to help his sister, I totally get that – I just need to be patient and wait till he has time for us again, however long that is.

I’m really worried about my cousin, she’s pregnant but it’s really risky because she has a hole in her heart, everything was going really well for her until the last few days, she’s been taken into hospital… the baby is fine but she isn’t and they think it’s to do with her heart.

I feel pushed out by all of my mates too, I really don’t feel like I belong anywhere at the moment, like I have to try to hard to get heard… I’m beginning to give up on everyone. I do the best I can by everyone and all it leads to is being pushed to the side.

Just needed to say this without exploding at someone.

I’m putting together my first proper ebook which has all my poetry in it – it’s looking pretty good at the moment.

- OVER AND OUT -

Rest In Peace

3 people have died in 2 days, its quite hard to believe….

The first of those people is Tom Roy, he was really special to Stacey (Scott’s sister) as he was her boyfriend. I only really met him once but he seemed like such a decent guy and really made her happy and for someone who has been through as much as she has to have someone like Tom was everything she needed and it’s so cruel for him to have that taken away from her.

The second person is James Clennell my friend Bethany’s friend I never met him, but from what she has said to me she has a lot of memories with him. So really my thoughts go out to his family and Bethany and anyone who knew him.

The third person is Ryan Dunn from Jackass. This is different from the two people I’ve already written about as he is famous, but like those I have already written about but like those I have mentioned he has a family and has friends but also a lot of fans that will be sad to here about his passing.

I’ve never lost anyone close to me, thankfully, so I can’t begin to think of what any of these people are going through, but I know they have a lot of people supporting them and helping them get through it, for some people that is a short time and for others it is a longer process and takes a longer time, but they will never forget those who they have lost because of the memories and the impact they have had on their lives.

REST IN PEACE, YOU’LL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN

It’s hard… it really is.

Me and Scott are patching things up I know most people think that I’m stupid but I love him and I care about him and we both want to make things work. There is a big trust issue for me with him right now because of what I saw, it will take time for that to come back I know it won’t come back over night but I hope he understands that and realises it. Things are incredibly hard at the moment but we are working things out and are trying to move forward. I just hope that he proves to me I am doing the right thing by giving him this chance and not make me look like a mug for giving him this chance. – The only thing that is getting me through this is how much I love him and care about him – If he throws it back in my face I’m cutting him out of my life for good because I can’t go through this again.

Today I went to a higher education conference, which has made me really think about this whole uni thing again. I have a lot of reading to do now and a booklet from college to fill out too.

I’m working tomorrow and need a lot of sleep before I’m remotely ready for being there… I’m so exhausted I can’t begin to describe it.

- OVER AND OUT -

I love you… even now

Today has possibly been the worst day, I could of ever had… well that I have ever had.

1 year and 2 months and the whole time Scott has been seeing other people. I even thought we would be able to sort it out but once I saw the full extent of it I didn’t think that I would be able to trust him. Plus right now I think we both need time apart because he can’t have been happy in the relationship for him to be seeing other people, and I really don’t think our relationship stood much chance if he couldn’t admit it.

Right now all I’m doing is sorting my life out because where there used to be a person who was such a big part of it, there is now a massive gap.

I wish I didn’t have to say goodbye to him, but for now… it’s what I’m going to have to do, one day in the future things may change, but I need to do what’s right for me and that means I need a break.

It was the hardest decision that I’ve had to make in a really long time, because I thought there was a lot of happy memories there but that must have only been me who thought that.

- OVER AND OUT -

Start of Year 2

Things between me and Scott have been all over the place a lot recently, but right now things between us are really good and hopefully they will stay like this. I’m really looking forward to seeing him in July! He wants me to go on this canal tour thing with his family but I don’t know a lot about it, although hopefully I can go.

Not a lot has been happening really, I’m going back to college tomorrow and starting my second year of college already! Even though I may not be able to get in yet… kind of crazy when you think about it. If i do get in for next year then I’ll be one step closer to going to uni, if not…. then I’ll have to think of something else to do!

Anyways I need to sleep and read my new book.

- OVER AND OUT -

Ever get that feeling your not wanted?

Kind of how I’m feeling right now. I’ve hardly seen or heard off of any of my ‘mates’ since we broke up for study leave and I feel really distant from my family right now too. It doesn’t look like me and Scott will be seeing each other over the summer very much either…

I just wish I had something to look forward to over the summer, I can’t guarantee that I’ll do anything with any of my mates because when I’m not at college we don’t really speak, and with Scott being away for most of it I can’t see us being able to do anything either. Plus I’m not going on holiday with my family this year either, this summer is shaping up to be one I’d rather forget already, and it’s not even started! I just wish I had some plans, at least I know I’ve got work to fall back on if I can’t sort anything else out.

I looked at going to T4OTB seeing as I couldn’t go last year, but turns out that would be way to expensive.

I was kind of hoping me and Scott could go away together, but that was wishful thinking, considering how much it would cost, and that it would be hard to get there, plus Scott’s parents wouldn’t let us anyways, mine probably wouldn’t be too keen either so that one got ruled out.

I just wish I had something planned to look forward to, and that it felt like someone wanted me around…

I don’t know why but I’ve been in tears over all this for no reason, it’s not something I should cry about, it’s just making me feel worse and incredibly stupid.

I just want something to look forward to! Is that too much to ask?

I hate being in this kind of mood, I just want to be able to cuddle up with Scott… but I can’t. it would make everything feel so much better, it really would. I miss him more than ever right now, I can’t wait to see him and be able to spend some time with him.

- OVER AND OUT -

Just one of those days

Today I’ve been in a really odd mood, I’m thinking about things way to much that I would normally think about. It really isn’t like me to be like this.

I was really worried this morning because I woke up to a text from Joe saying that our ICT exam was today and not tomorrow. Turns out it is actually tomorrow, I figured that out after 20 mins of panicking.

Once I realised I was actually going to be home all day I decided to just chill out completely all day, something I haven’t been able to do in a while, I ended up doing some data entry work (earnt £9.10, I’ve worked out that this month i should earn over £200, will be pretty cool if that happens!!) and I’ve spent hours playing on zoo tycoon, so basically I’ve wasted the day.

I have spent quite a bit of the day talking to Scott which has been good and will really make up for the fact I can’t talk to him for practically the whole day tomorrow as I’m in isolation all day…. I’m really not looking forward to it. I’ve discovered that he looks REALLY good in a proper shirt, I think he should wear them more often.

I’ve been looking at starting driving lessons again but I really do think it’ll be way to expensive for the time being, especially when I’m trying to save for uni.

Me and Scott have started to have major problems again tonight. He had ago at me for being upset, which I can’t really help if that’s how I feel, I thought he would have been there for me but instead he had a go at me. I don’t think I’m allowed to have feelings anymore. He posts all our problems on facebook and that kind of annoys me because our relationship is private, I don’t want everyone knowing all our problems like that… Plus I found out that the chain I got him for us being together a year, he never got fixed after it got broken, that kind of hurt me a little bit because that was supposed to be something special, but it can’t of meant that much to him if he’s left it this long. I wish things like this would stop happening between us…

Milly has invited me out with everyone for a Chinese, but I don’t think I’ll be able to go as if I do I won’t be able to afford to do anything with Scott and Stacey when they come to stay in Cambridge.

- OVER AND OUT -

Happy Birthday!

Today is my brother, Aaron’s, birthday. He is 14. I haven’t written anything for a few days because there hasn’t really been a lot to write about.

Yesterday I was at work again. It was unbelievably busy as the rota had been messed up so we were short staffed. So I ended up working all over the place, I worked in the ticket and main shop for most of the day with Haley and Scott, then for about an hour or so I got trained by Abbie on how to work in the ice cream kiosk, which turned out to be fairly simple! It was just so busy, apart from my lunch break I didn’t really stop until 6pm.

Once I left work I had to go down to Tescos with my Dad because I needed to get a present for Aaron and I wanted to pick up an external hard drive as they were on offer! I also picked up a mouse to use with my laptop. I also bumped into Kersha and her mum Nina, we had a good catch up and chat about loads of stuff.

I then went down to the Chinese and fish and chip shop with my Dad to get some tea.

This morning Aaron woke me up at 5am because he wanted to open his presents… I wasn’t happy seeing as it is my day off from work I wanted to be able to have a lie in. It didn’t happen although he did like the dvd I got him, so that was good.

Me and my Mum and Dad then went to Tescos (again!) to go and get some food as we don’t have a lot in our house, I wanted to get a new purse but I didn’t like any in Tescos so we went down to the factory shop and I was able to pick a really nice one up in there for £2 and I got two new pairs of plimsolls.

We then went to the beafeater to have a meal to celebrate Aaron’s birthday, everything took ages to arrive but the food was really good! I love the food there especially the chocolate fudge brownie sundaes.

Once we came home I’ve spent the evening trying to come up with some ideas for my own business with Scott and he’s come up with some really good stuff for me! I really appreciate it, he’s really good with ideas and helping me out with things like this. I feel really bad though because the last few days I’ve been really snappy with him because I’ve been so tired, and worn out from work and the lack of sleep I’ve been having. But I’m so glad he’s there for me through it all, and I’m so glad he puts up with everything he does from me because I love him so much.

Not a lot else to say really, back to work tomorrow!

-OVER AND OUT -