I can’t believe I’m only just realising this now…

When someone isn’t there to talk to when they would normally be there you start to realise somethings like I did today.

I’ve finally realised that what has happened in the past between me and Scott needs to stay in the past all the people getting involved, and saying things, all the past problems. They all don’t need to be put in the past because that’s where they belong, they don’t need to be brought up in arguments. We have a future together and we can’t let the past ruin that.

When we’re not together I miss all the things you would get in a regular relationship but in some ways the distance is a good thing because we talk more than other people do, we appreciate each other a hell of a lot more, and we definitely appreciate the time we get to spend together a lot more.

I’ve also realised how much I don’t open up to him, he’s said it to me, but when I talk to him regularly I didn’t notice how much I haven’t been opening up to him. It must really hurt him. So when he comes back I’ve made a promise to myself that I’ll open up to him like I used to when we first got back together, I’ll tell him how my day has been, what’s bothering me, and what is going on, I’m not going to shut him out anymore because doing things like that will push him away.

I really can’t wait for Scott to get back from Nepal and for our relationship to be how it should be and for us to be happy, making each other laugh like we used to, telling each other stories and just having a good time.

I know I have a really good loving future with Scott, he gives me everything and more. I love him and care about him and recently I’ve stopped showing that and have started taking him for granted and that must hurt him. I’m going to show him how much he means to me when he gets back and how much I really do value every single little thing he does for me. Also how much I wouldn’t want to be without him and how much I value our relationship. He really is one in a million and I am incredibly lucky to have him.

Someone at work asked me the other day if I think Scott is ‘the one’. I haven’t really thought about that kind of thing before, Scott has always said he wants us to get married and have a family and I’ve always sort of given him the one day answer. But since I was asked that question at work I’ve really thought about it and I actually think he is, I want to have a family with him, get married, live together all of it because he is amazing, he does everything and more, he’s always trying to put a smile on my face and keep me happy. I need to tell him this.

Other than doing a lot of thinking about mine and Scott’s relationship I have just had a chilled out day. I didn’t do half a lot of the things I planned to but I’m one day closer to Scott being back and one day closer to being with him and spending time with him. I really can’t wait to spend some time together, go on our first holiday, see his results, watch films, go on some long walks. It’s going to be amazing.

Back to work tomorrow, I’m looking forward to it. 3 days at work then I’m off on Monday so me and my family are going to Southend on Sea for a day out. It’ll be good to spend some time with  my family because we haven’t done that in a while.

-O&O -

Such a long day!

Today has been crazily busy! Only just realised sitting here now with nothing to do that in total I’ll be working 6 days this week!

I biked to work this morning it was quite nice seeing as the weather was sunny and there was no wind so I got to work quicker than I thought I would. The day went quite quickly really, there was hardly any customers to serve though so we did loads of cleaning type stuff and general tasks that we can’t do when it’s really busy. I blew up 50… YES 50 balloons today (my record is 80). Apparently now I am unfired which is pretty good and I’m being taught how to cook too! I’m looking forward to it. It’s been a pretty good day at work actually everyone was having a laugh and we all got to have lunch together which was a first, Abi told us some pretty funny stories too!

When Dad picked me up after work we went and got a KFC which was a nice surprise. Then Me, my parents and my sister watched the film ‘Grown Ups’ it was so funny I loved it. It’s the first time in ages I haven’t come in from work and jumped straight on my laptop. I missed out on talking to Scott because of it though – although he did leave a message on my facebook and I know he’s having a good time plus he sent me an e-mail which made me smile.

Was really weird not talking to him when I got up this morning on skype, I even got up early like I would usually do – it weird how much your routine can revolve around one person.

Got my day off tomorrow planning on staying in bed for quite a while, then tackling my room and tidying it up a bit, writing some more for my book and maybe some poems, and just generally chilling out.

Time for me to go to bed I think!

- O&O -

Been busy, going to get Busier

I’ve been at work today, I think I could actually get used to being there every day actually. After the rota had been fixed I’m now only off on Thursday for this whole week, to be honest I’m not complaining because it means the time will go quicker until Scott comes back plus I’ll get more money, so really it’s a win win situation. Looking forward to tomorrow – but hopefully it won’t be too busy.

Scott leaves tomorrow, I don’t want to not be able to talk to him for 3 weeks. But I’m keeping positive because I will be seeing him almost straight away when he gets back so there is something good at the end of it. Plus I have loads of things to get ready for when I go to Scott’s, add work to all of that the next three weeks (should in theory) fly by.

Not a lot else going on really…. I just don’t want tomorrow to come because I don’t want to not talk to Scott….

- Over and Out -

Hectic time…

I feel like I’ve been neglecting my blog lately, I’m kind of wondering whether to go back to my old one – just a small town girl, I don’t know why, I guess it’s because there is a lot of memories in that blog and I feel like I’ve lost them since I haven’t been writing in that blog. – If I go back to it, I’ll transfer the posts from this one to that one.

Anyways today has been pretty boring for me and pretty sad it’s getting closer to Scott going away, he’s going on Tuesday so his last day in England for three weeks is tomorrow and I’m hardly going to be able to talk to him because I’m working, more on that later. I’m feeling a bit odd about him going, I know I’m going to miss him even more than I already do anyways but, I guess it feels worse because he’s going to a different country and we won’t be able to talk at all. I need to stay positive though, I have set up a brand new blog so that I can write him a ‘letter’ each day so he can stay up to date with what I’m doing and how I’m feeling when he comes back. Plus I won’t forget anything in my boring life this way, not that there will be a lot to forget!

I was really annoyed earlier I got a text from Bethany saying the work rota had been changed so I’m not having a day off tomorrow, I’m working instead. But I’m not too fussed seeing as I’ll get more money for going in, which means more money for going to Scott’s.

Not a lot else to say really…

- Over and Out -

Nightmare of a day!

As the days get closer to Scott going away, it’s getting even harder to think of him not being there for 3 weeks. Today I did something I promised myself I’d never do, not open up to him but we had a little talk about it and we straightened things out and it wasn’t long until he had me smiling again.

I had a bit of a shock phone call today – I love my job. Basically because everyone wanted the same time off over the summer they can’t afford to keep everyone on and be short staffed so they’ve let me and another person go. It’s really gutting because I really enjoy working there but something else will come up and hopefully it won’t be too long until I have another job again. Plus I’m working there until the 19th August anyway so it should still fill a lot of my summer. This has really promoted me to find out what is happening to do with my data entry job too!

I’ve spent quite a lot of today trying to get some contacts together so that I can really get into the whole poetry and writing thing, I’ve also started my first proper story. Hopefully over the summer I can really produce some written works I am proud of and that other people enjoy to read too! I hope that within my written works I can get across different messages and create different emotions from my readers too. We’ll see how it goes in the future!

You might notice that I’ve added a few pictures down the side of this blog, I thought it needed a little bit of a change so I picked out a few of my favourite photos of me and Scott.

I’m missing Scott like crazy at the moment – all I want is a cuddle and a kiss so that today doesn’t feel as bad as it does right now. But I’ll be with him soon enough, and I’m with him for a really long time too so I can’t wait, it’s going to be truly amazing to see him, and I’ll be counting down the days while he’s away until I get to be with him. Tuesday is really coming round way faster than I want it too.

I had a bit of a chilled out evening watching the back episodes of the undercover boss on 4OD I love that show and can’t believe I watched it for the first time yesterday, I really recommend it to everyone but that’s probably because I’m a bit of a business head. I did get quite a good life quote from one of the episode – Quitters don’t win. I think I’m going to start living by that because it is so true!

- OVER AND OUT -

Join Me On…

You will probably know I write poetry, if you don’t you do know! I’d love for more people to see my poetry and to read it so I have created a page you can go like it here – Esjae (just click and press like) . I’ll really appreciate everyone who likes it!

-  OVER AND OUT -

Everything is going good again!

The past few days have really shown me how much Scott means to me and how much I always hope to have him in my life. It’s just all those little things he’s done or said that have shown me how good are relationship is, and what’s been even better, we haven’t been arguing as much – well at all really and it’s really made the world of difference to us! The last 15 months and a bit have been truly amazing and I know we have a long future together because somehow we always get through whatever is thrown our way, but we don’t do it separately we do it together which I think is really important with the distance between us. I know he’s finding it tough with his sister moving out at the moment, and it’s really tough when he’s on the phone in tears because of everything especially as I can’t physically be there for him and give him a hug – but we can talk things through and work out how to cope with different things. It is good to know I have someone I can open up to without being judged. It’s  even better sometimes that he knows how I’m feeling without me saying anything – it’s nice to not have to explain how I feel sometimes and to just talk things through without having to go over the problem. I love how he’ll do crazy things on skype just to see me smile. He's and incredible guy, and I’m incredibly lucky to call him mine.

Summer has started, and I have no plans other than seeing Scott after he comes back from Nepal and probably working quite a bit of it. It would have been nice to have some plans with some of my mates but in a way I’m glad I haven’t so I can spend some time with my family and working on the things I never get round to. Plus I will have a lot of time to work on my writing which always seems to get pushed back as last priority.

I’m trying to come up for ideas on what to get Scott for his birthday as I want to give him his present rather than send it to him and seeing as I’ll see him the week before his birthday I can, I just don’t know what to get him… I want it to be something different and that he won’t expect, but something personal too.

Not a lot else going on…

- OVER AND OUT-

Love a bit of Harry Potter

I saw the new Harry Potter film today, what can I say it was truly amazing, lived up to all of my expectations and more. I would definitely recommend it to everyone! We got to see it at half 9 in the morning before all the public viewings at 12 because our college has some connection with the picture house. Although I would say the 3D feature of the film didn’t really change a lot from the respect there wasn’t a lot of stuff that flew out of the screen like in other films but I wouldn’t say that is a bad thing. Quite a good way to end the college year, roll on next year!

Other than seeing that film I haven’t done a lot, I got my new reading glasses I absolutely hate wearing them but it will mean I won’t get anymore headaches when I’m using the computer for long periods of time!

- OVER AND OUT -

A good day turns sour

Today started off really well, I got to see my media coursework played on the big screen in one of the cinemas in Cambridge, it was really good and I had a laugh with Shona. It was nice to not feel like I had any pressure to do anything a specific way or act a certain way.

Once the stuff at the cinema had finished I spent pretty much the rest of the day on my own, it was nice in a way to not have to do what everyone else wants me to do, I could just do what I wanted it was great.

But I was soon brought back to reality, I got home to find out my bus pass to college isn’t go to be renewed for free, I’ll have to pay £600 for it… my parents can’t afford that sort of money, neither can I. I don’t know what to do about it, I can’t just leave college if I did that then I'd be proving everyone right, they all think I won’t go to university because I won’t get the grades or I’ll drop out of college. I’m not going to I’m going to keep going, I’ve got this far, I’m not going to give up now.

I have some exciting news though my poetry and lyrics writing is taking off quite well and I’m also thinking about getting back into rapping! So things on that front are looking up!

I hope me and Scott can get back on track properly soon things between us are pretty tough at the moment, I know we’ll get through it, we always do.

I need to get as many extra days as possible before the end of July so I can afford to go to Scott’s I’m sure I will be able to I just need £150 in total for the holiday and train tickets to begin with but then I will need some extra cash for paying for stuff while I’m there. I’m hoping the data entry company sort out their site soon as I can make some money there too but I’m definitely going to make sure I’m at work as much as possible over the next 2 weeks.

- OVER AND OUT -

I’ve never felt so ill/ hurt

I’ve never felt as bad as I have last night/ today. I didn’t get in from this Rock on the Rec thing until late last night so I pretty much went straight to bed as I was meant to have work today but I didn’t sleep at all due to having a really bad back that hurt so much I threw up (pretty nasty I know). I ended up having to phone into work ill due to the fact I had no sleep, my back hurt so much and the other fact of throwing up. My back hasn’t really improved all day, the muscles are all messed up and tight.

Today was one of those days I really wish I could have just been able to cuddle up with Scott and watch DVDs all day, but we can’t because of this stupid distance between us. I’m really dreading the 3 weeks when Scott is away I really am because we won’t be able to talk and it’s going to tear me apart. But then I think of what he is going out there to do and I’m reminded of what an amazing guy he is and how much he thinks of other people. I just wish it wasn’t for so long but I will be seeing him pretty much as soon as he gets back so I’m concentrating on that and the fact it is only 3 weeks and not longer! I just wish we didn’t have this distance between us sometimes.

I keep thinking about wanting to start a business but I haven’t got any ideas on what I want to do…

 

- OVER AND OUT -

What is the point#

Sometimes I really feel like I can’t do anything right.

My family are constantly telling me that I’m never going to come to anything. At college it feels like I have no real mates, they’re always organising things between themselves and I never get included, no one really tries to talk to me. To top it all off it feels like I’m doing the wrong things by Scott all the time too.

I don’t see the point in finishing college or going to university as no one really thinks I will do well at either of them, my parents keep telling me there is no point in me doing either.

I really have had enough of it all.

I just wish I could do the right thing sometimes and that people would believe in me, but they don’t, they don’t think I will come to anything.

My team in the business studies competition at college are in the grand final tomorrow, I haven’t really bothered telling anyone because I don’t really think anyone cares to be honest. Just like me. I don’t know if I’ll bother going though, I don’t really see the point.

Can’t wait for college to be over for this year and to be working full time at work over the summer that way I can earn some money and then get away from everything at the end of it. Need to work out when I need to take time off at the end of August.

- OVER AND OUT -

A little bit of everything

I really don’t know why but I’m on a bit of a downer at the moment, my mood seems to have hit rock bottom again. I really wish Scott didn’t have to go home yesterday, I wish he was still here to give me one of his cuddles. I really miss him, I hate the fact we can’t spend whenever we want together I really do. I have no idea what I’m going to do when he goes to Nepal I spend all my spare time talking to him, I’m going to feel so lost. Two and a half weeks until he goes, it really is going to feel weird to not be able to talk on top of not being able to see each other… 3 whole weeks.

I just wish he was here again…

I’m not able to talk to him tonight either because he's playing football.

I’m properly getting into my poetry stuff now and getting it out there so just need to wait and see what happens really.

My group in my business studies class won the first heat of the competition so we’re through to the next round, pretty cool.

I’m so tired at the moment its insane.

I just want college to be over, but then when it is Scott will be even closer to going away…

Me and Scott are meant to be going on our first holiday together this year when he gets back from Nepal, I’m really looking forward to it, just need to work out when I need to book off work and for it all to be booked. Should be good to spend time together away, and will be quite special too seeing as it will be our first holiday together! Just need to work loads of hours at work and save for the train tickets and for the holiday now! I’m super excited, it’s good to have something like this to look forward to when we’re so far apart.

It’s kind of ended up as a bit of a mashed up post with a bit of everything…

- OVER AND OUT -

A truly amazing weekend

I really have had an amazing weekend. Seeing Scott just for these few days has been amazing! It is really hard right now though knowing he will be on the train back tomorrow but I’m not letting those thoughts ruin the amazing time we’ve had together. It’s just been really good to be a normal couple and go shopping together and eat out together just normal things like that.

I bought him a hoody yesterday and he looked really good in it, I am practically broke now but I haven’t been shopping properly like this weekend in a long time so it’s been nice to be able to treat myself to a few nice things too.

Punting today with Scott and his sister was brilliant too, Scott did all the work but he was actually really good at it! He fell in once, managed to whack me round the head with the metal pole and get me wet with his massive splash into the river.

I’m just really glad we got to spend the time together that we have this weekend, it’s really shown me how good we are together and how stupid all of these little arguments have been. I’m so glad everything is now sorted between us and we are back to how we should be.

Plus it’s been good seeing Stacey too.

I’m still constantly arguing with my Dad and it is really starting to do my head in, and if it doesn’t stop I will start to look else where for somewhere to live because I can’t stand this much longer, it really does feel like I can’t do anything right when I’m around him.

Once I get paid for my data entry job for last month I’m sorting out my railcard so that I can see Scott in the summer and I won’t have to rely on my Dad to take me to see him. As me, Scott and his mum are meant to be going camping or something together, I need to book the time off work though so we need to sort it out soon.

I have an ICT trip tomorrow at college so that should be pretty good!

- OVER AND OUT -