It’s been a while

It really has been way too long since I’ve posted anything here…

Well I’m now officially in year 13, I only have 10 months left of college, it’s crazy it really is! We’ve already started applying for uni, my choices have all changed slightly – hopefully going to uni will work out really well well for me and Scott too which will be a bit of a bonus! The whole process is a bit scary and confusing but, and it’s crazy how soon the forms all have to be in.

I’m finally able to drop Politics this year so now I’m down to the 3 subjects I actually enjoy – although I’m not sure if I’ll enjoy media all that much because I don’t really get on with anyone in my class…

It’s Scott’s first day at his college today – I’m really looking forward to hearing how it’s gone!

I am so happy with everything and everyone in my life at the moment, last night I was just sat thinking about how much Scott has changed my life for the better and has helped me achieve so much. We’ve been together for 17 months! The time has gone so fast – I’m really looking forward to seeing him in October again.

There is so much happening of the next year and I’m looking forward to every bit of it. I’m hoping Scott can stay in Cambridge for New Year this year but I don’t know I was hoping to arrange something special for us but I don’t know if I’ll be able to. It will be really good if I can do what I want to but if not I know we’ll still be able to spend time together either in Cambridge or in Dorset.

So far things have really picked up and I am genuinely really happy, I’m so lucky to have an amazing boyfriend, good friends, and a truly perfect family!

-O&O-

A truly amazing weekend

I really have had an amazing weekend. Seeing Scott just for these few days has been amazing! It is really hard right now though knowing he will be on the train back tomorrow but I’m not letting those thoughts ruin the amazing time we’ve had together. It’s just been really good to be a normal couple and go shopping together and eat out together just normal things like that.

I bought him a hoody yesterday and he looked really good in it, I am practically broke now but I haven’t been shopping properly like this weekend in a long time so it’s been nice to be able to treat myself to a few nice things too.

Punting today with Scott and his sister was brilliant too, Scott did all the work but he was actually really good at it! He fell in once, managed to whack me round the head with the metal pole and get me wet with his massive splash into the river.

I’m just really glad we got to spend the time together that we have this weekend, it’s really shown me how good we are together and how stupid all of these little arguments have been. I’m so glad everything is now sorted between us and we are back to how we should be.

Plus it’s been good seeing Stacey too.

I’m still constantly arguing with my Dad and it is really starting to do my head in, and if it doesn’t stop I will start to look else where for somewhere to live because I can’t stand this much longer, it really does feel like I can’t do anything right when I’m around him.

Once I get paid for my data entry job for last month I’m sorting out my railcard so that I can see Scott in the summer and I won’t have to rely on my Dad to take me to see him. As me, Scott and his mum are meant to be going camping or something together, I need to book the time off work though so we need to sort it out soon.

I have an ICT trip tomorrow at college so that should be pretty good!

- OVER AND OUT -

Little fed up

Another day where I feel like I haven’t spoken to Scott properly, but he’s at Tom’s funeral and is supporting his sister so I respect that. He text me earlier saying that he wasn’t going to come and visit anymore, I really couldn’t believe what he was saying after I’d booked time off from work and made it so that I could see him… Apparently it was because of an argument with his parents over his sister, but it’s been sorted out and he’s is still coming.

My heads been all over the place the last few days and loads of little things that wouldn’t normally get to me have…Just gotta work through things one at a time and see where things go. But some people are really starting to get to me, I’ve had enough of people taking me for granted and just expecting me to be there whenever they need me and walking all over me, well it’s not going to be like that anymore. I’m fed up of all the stupid arguments. I’m tired of putting myself last so that I can keep everyone else happy, well it isn’t going to be like that anymore I’m going to start doing things for me. I’m sick and tired of feeling like I’m not good enough, it’s time to move on from everything in the past and move on into the future with the people I want to be in it.

I’m supposed to have a basketball trial tomorrow but I’m still not sure whether I want to go, I don’t really know if it’s worth it.

I’m just looking forward to Friday – if Scott still comes…

- OVER AND OUT -

A little improvment

Things seem to be improving a little a college, I think I’m finding my place there again.

My poetry is also improving, I’m just writing all the time whenever I have the time… I’m just loving writing again.

Today I journeyed to Burger King with Koshie and had lunch their… I love Burger King… I think I have an addiction.

I got to go home from college early today because my last lesson was technically cancelled. I might have next Thursday off college because of some teacher strikes.

I’m worried about when Scott and Stacey come to stay in Cambridge, because I don’t want Stacey to get up set about me and Scott being together (like physically)… I think I would in her position… So I don’t want things to be awkward for her, but at the same time I want to be able to be with Scott properly for a change especially as we will actually be able to be a proper couple, well at least for a few days… So I don’t know what to do about that….

Anyways, early night as I need to get enough sleep so that I am able to go to work at the weekend…. I have no weekend this weekend I am going to be so dead next week.

- OVER AND OUT -

Ps I might be a properly published poet soon…. all down to if kindle accepts me ebook filled with poems…. already working on my second one, REALLY EXCITED

Feeling Unwanted

I don’t know what to do.

Scott is dealing with so much with his sister at the moment if feels like he hasn’t got time for us, I don’t blame him or Stacey for that at all, I totally understand the situation. He needs to be there for his sister and she should be his priority, I get that I really do, and I probably sound really selfish and completely horrible for saying this, but I just feel in his way at the moment because we haven’t really spoken over that last few days as he’s needed to help his sister, I totally get that – I just need to be patient and wait till he has time for us again, however long that is.

I’m really worried about my cousin, she’s pregnant but it’s really risky because she has a hole in her heart, everything was going really well for her until the last few days, she’s been taken into hospital… the baby is fine but she isn’t and they think it’s to do with her heart.

I feel pushed out by all of my mates too, I really don’t feel like I belong anywhere at the moment, like I have to try to hard to get heard… I’m beginning to give up on everyone. I do the best I can by everyone and all it leads to is being pushed to the side.

Just needed to say this without exploding at someone.

I’m putting together my first proper ebook which has all my poetry in it – it’s looking pretty good at the moment.

- OVER AND OUT -

It’s hard… it really is.

Me and Scott are patching things up I know most people think that I’m stupid but I love him and I care about him and we both want to make things work. There is a big trust issue for me with him right now because of what I saw, it will take time for that to come back I know it won’t come back over night but I hope he understands that and realises it. Things are incredibly hard at the moment but we are working things out and are trying to move forward. I just hope that he proves to me I am doing the right thing by giving him this chance and not make me look like a mug for giving him this chance. – The only thing that is getting me through this is how much I love him and care about him – If he throws it back in my face I’m cutting him out of my life for good because I can’t go through this again.

Today I went to a higher education conference, which has made me really think about this whole uni thing again. I have a lot of reading to do now and a booklet from college to fill out too.

I’m working tomorrow and need a lot of sleep before I’m remotely ready for being there… I’m so exhausted I can’t begin to describe it.

- OVER AND OUT -

Ever get that feeling your not wanted?

Kind of how I’m feeling right now. I’ve hardly seen or heard off of any of my ‘mates’ since we broke up for study leave and I feel really distant from my family right now too. It doesn’t look like me and Scott will be seeing each other over the summer very much either…

I just wish I had something to look forward to over the summer, I can’t guarantee that I’ll do anything with any of my mates because when I’m not at college we don’t really speak, and with Scott being away for most of it I can’t see us being able to do anything either. Plus I’m not going on holiday with my family this year either, this summer is shaping up to be one I’d rather forget already, and it’s not even started! I just wish I had some plans, at least I know I’ve got work to fall back on if I can’t sort anything else out.

I looked at going to T4OTB seeing as I couldn’t go last year, but turns out that would be way to expensive.

I was kind of hoping me and Scott could go away together, but that was wishful thinking, considering how much it would cost, and that it would be hard to get there, plus Scott’s parents wouldn’t let us anyways, mine probably wouldn’t be too keen either so that one got ruled out.

I just wish I had something planned to look forward to, and that it felt like someone wanted me around…

I don’t know why but I’ve been in tears over all this for no reason, it’s not something I should cry about, it’s just making me feel worse and incredibly stupid.

I just want something to look forward to! Is that too much to ask?

I hate being in this kind of mood, I just want to be able to cuddle up with Scott… but I can’t. it would make everything feel so much better, it really would. I miss him more than ever right now, I can’t wait to see him and be able to spend some time with him.

- OVER AND OUT -

Happy Birthday!

Today is my brother, Aaron’s, birthday. He is 14. I haven’t written anything for a few days because there hasn’t really been a lot to write about.

Yesterday I was at work again. It was unbelievably busy as the rota had been messed up so we were short staffed. So I ended up working all over the place, I worked in the ticket and main shop for most of the day with Haley and Scott, then for about an hour or so I got trained by Abbie on how to work in the ice cream kiosk, which turned out to be fairly simple! It was just so busy, apart from my lunch break I didn’t really stop until 6pm.

Once I left work I had to go down to Tescos with my Dad because I needed to get a present for Aaron and I wanted to pick up an external hard drive as they were on offer! I also picked up a mouse to use with my laptop. I also bumped into Kersha and her mum Nina, we had a good catch up and chat about loads of stuff.

I then went down to the Chinese and fish and chip shop with my Dad to get some tea.

This morning Aaron woke me up at 5am because he wanted to open his presents… I wasn’t happy seeing as it is my day off from work I wanted to be able to have a lie in. It didn’t happen although he did like the dvd I got him, so that was good.

Me and my Mum and Dad then went to Tescos (again!) to go and get some food as we don’t have a lot in our house, I wanted to get a new purse but I didn’t like any in Tescos so we went down to the factory shop and I was able to pick a really nice one up in there for £2 and I got two new pairs of plimsolls.

We then went to the beafeater to have a meal to celebrate Aaron’s birthday, everything took ages to arrive but the food was really good! I love the food there especially the chocolate fudge brownie sundaes.

Once we came home I’ve spent the evening trying to come up with some ideas for my own business with Scott and he’s come up with some really good stuff for me! I really appreciate it, he’s really good with ideas and helping me out with things like this. I feel really bad though because the last few days I’ve been really snappy with him because I’ve been so tired, and worn out from work and the lack of sleep I’ve been having. But I’m so glad he’s there for me through it all, and I’m so glad he puts up with everything he does from me because I love him so much.

Not a lot else to say really, back to work tomorrow!

-OVER AND OUT -

Day out with the grandparents

 

I haven’t posted anything recently as there hasn’t really been a lot going on.

Yesterday – Exam Day

At the moment I am on study leave which means I only have to go in for the exams.

Yesterday I had my business exam, at 9am, I really wasn’t awake enough to sit an exam. I don’t think I did as well as my last exam for business (I got an A)  but as long as I pass I will have the chance to re-sit it next year.

The exam was supposed to finish at half 10 but we started it late which meant me and Matt missed the 10.50 bus, we decided to walk down to Waitrose to buy some food, (I got a chicken and stuffing sandwich, I love them) then we walked all the way back to other bus stop to meet Sophie and Jonny (It was Jonny’s Birthday) and got the 11.50 bus with them.

Once I finally got home I watched neighbours and just chilled out all afternoon.

TODAY – Lunch in Scotsdales with my grandparents

Today, me and my Mum went out with my Nan and Granddad to Scotsdales and had lunch in the garden centre and had a look round. It was really nice to see them as I haven’t seen them for ages, because I’m usually at college or work whenever they come over to our house.

I saw an advert in the paper this morning for a sale on a laptop at Argos with a 6GB RAM which is really unusual, my parents have agreed to pay for it tomorrow and I’ll just pay them back £150 of it, as the rest will be for my 18th birthday present. I can’t wait to get it as then I’ll be able to start getting all the software that I want and not have to worry about effecting the pc for everyone else. Can’t wait for tomorrow!

Waterloo road tonight, I love that program.

- OVER AND OUT -

A day By The Sea

I woke up really early this morning purely down to the fact that I just couldn’t sleep and hadn’t been able to all night. So I spent  a while just sorting out my e-mails and stuff.

Once everyone else in my family got up I got ready and then me, my mum and my dad went to Cromer. Cromer is a beach on the Norfolk coast. This was because my dad has to pick up some stuff he had won on ebay. We carried on driving from the persons house so that we were actually on the coast and then got some fish and chips, once we finished lunch we headed back home.

Right now I’m facing a pile of college coursework and two really long lists of data entry to do.

- OVER AND OUT -