It’s been a while

It really has been way too long since I’ve posted anything here…

Well I’m now officially in year 13, I only have 10 months left of college, it’s crazy it really is! We’ve already started applying for uni, my choices have all changed slightly – hopefully going to uni will work out really well well for me and Scott too which will be a bit of a bonus! The whole process is a bit scary and confusing but, and it’s crazy how soon the forms all have to be in.

I’m finally able to drop Politics this year so now I’m down to the 3 subjects I actually enjoy – although I’m not sure if I’ll enjoy media all that much because I don’t really get on with anyone in my class…

It’s Scott’s first day at his college today – I’m really looking forward to hearing how it’s gone!

I am so happy with everything and everyone in my life at the moment, last night I was just sat thinking about how much Scott has changed my life for the better and has helped me achieve so much. We’ve been together for 17 months! The time has gone so fast – I’m really looking forward to seeing him in October again.

There is so much happening of the next year and I’m looking forward to every bit of it. I’m hoping Scott can stay in Cambridge for New Year this year but I don’t know I was hoping to arrange something special for us but I don’t know if I’ll be able to. It will be really good if I can do what I want to but if not I know we’ll still be able to spend time together either in Cambridge or in Dorset.

So far things have really picked up and I am genuinely really happy, I’m so lucky to have an amazing boyfriend, good friends, and a truly perfect family!

-O&O-

Nightmare of a day!

As the days get closer to Scott going away, it’s getting even harder to think of him not being there for 3 weeks. Today I did something I promised myself I’d never do, not open up to him but we had a little talk about it and we straightened things out and it wasn’t long until he had me smiling again.

I had a bit of a shock phone call today – I love my job. Basically because everyone wanted the same time off over the summer they can’t afford to keep everyone on and be short staffed so they’ve let me and another person go. It’s really gutting because I really enjoy working there but something else will come up and hopefully it won’t be too long until I have another job again. Plus I’m working there until the 19th August anyway so it should still fill a lot of my summer. This has really promoted me to find out what is happening to do with my data entry job too!

I’ve spent quite a lot of today trying to get some contacts together so that I can really get into the whole poetry and writing thing, I’ve also started my first proper story. Hopefully over the summer I can really produce some written works I am proud of and that other people enjoy to read too! I hope that within my written works I can get across different messages and create different emotions from my readers too. We’ll see how it goes in the future!

You might notice that I’ve added a few pictures down the side of this blog, I thought it needed a little bit of a change so I picked out a few of my favourite photos of me and Scott.

I’m missing Scott like crazy at the moment – all I want is a cuddle and a kiss so that today doesn’t feel as bad as it does right now. But I’ll be with him soon enough, and I’m with him for a really long time too so I can’t wait, it’s going to be truly amazing to see him, and I’ll be counting down the days while he’s away until I get to be with him. Tuesday is really coming round way faster than I want it too.

I had a bit of a chilled out evening watching the back episodes of the undercover boss on 4OD I love that show and can’t believe I watched it for the first time yesterday, I really recommend it to everyone but that’s probably because I’m a bit of a business head. I did get quite a good life quote from one of the episode – Quitters don’t win. I think I’m going to start living by that because it is so true!

- OVER AND OUT -

A truly amazing weekend

I really have had an amazing weekend. Seeing Scott just for these few days has been amazing! It is really hard right now though knowing he will be on the train back tomorrow but I’m not letting those thoughts ruin the amazing time we’ve had together. It’s just been really good to be a normal couple and go shopping together and eat out together just normal things like that.

I bought him a hoody yesterday and he looked really good in it, I am practically broke now but I haven’t been shopping properly like this weekend in a long time so it’s been nice to be able to treat myself to a few nice things too.

Punting today with Scott and his sister was brilliant too, Scott did all the work but he was actually really good at it! He fell in once, managed to whack me round the head with the metal pole and get me wet with his massive splash into the river.

I’m just really glad we got to spend the time together that we have this weekend, it’s really shown me how good we are together and how stupid all of these little arguments have been. I’m so glad everything is now sorted between us and we are back to how we should be.

Plus it’s been good seeing Stacey too.

I’m still constantly arguing with my Dad and it is really starting to do my head in, and if it doesn’t stop I will start to look else where for somewhere to live because I can’t stand this much longer, it really does feel like I can’t do anything right when I’m around him.

Once I get paid for my data entry job for last month I’m sorting out my railcard so that I can see Scott in the summer and I won’t have to rely on my Dad to take me to see him. As me, Scott and his mum are meant to be going camping or something together, I need to book the time off work though so we need to sort it out soon.

I have an ICT trip tomorrow at college so that should be pretty good!

- OVER AND OUT -

Ever get that feeling your not wanted?

Kind of how I’m feeling right now. I’ve hardly seen or heard off of any of my ‘mates’ since we broke up for study leave and I feel really distant from my family right now too. It doesn’t look like me and Scott will be seeing each other over the summer very much either…

I just wish I had something to look forward to over the summer, I can’t guarantee that I’ll do anything with any of my mates because when I’m not at college we don’t really speak, and with Scott being away for most of it I can’t see us being able to do anything either. Plus I’m not going on holiday with my family this year either, this summer is shaping up to be one I’d rather forget already, and it’s not even started! I just wish I had some plans, at least I know I’ve got work to fall back on if I can’t sort anything else out.

I looked at going to T4OTB seeing as I couldn’t go last year, but turns out that would be way to expensive.

I was kind of hoping me and Scott could go away together, but that was wishful thinking, considering how much it would cost, and that it would be hard to get there, plus Scott’s parents wouldn’t let us anyways, mine probably wouldn’t be too keen either so that one got ruled out.

I just wish I had something planned to look forward to, and that it felt like someone wanted me around…

I don’t know why but I’ve been in tears over all this for no reason, it’s not something I should cry about, it’s just making me feel worse and incredibly stupid.

I just want something to look forward to! Is that too much to ask?

I hate being in this kind of mood, I just want to be able to cuddle up with Scott… but I can’t. it would make everything feel so much better, it really would. I miss him more than ever right now, I can’t wait to see him and be able to spend some time with him.

- OVER AND OUT -

Just one of those days

Today I’ve been in a really odd mood, I’m thinking about things way to much that I would normally think about. It really isn’t like me to be like this.

I was really worried this morning because I woke up to a text from Joe saying that our ICT exam was today and not tomorrow. Turns out it is actually tomorrow, I figured that out after 20 mins of panicking.

Once I realised I was actually going to be home all day I decided to just chill out completely all day, something I haven’t been able to do in a while, I ended up doing some data entry work (earnt £9.10, I’ve worked out that this month i should earn over £200, will be pretty cool if that happens!!) and I’ve spent hours playing on zoo tycoon, so basically I’ve wasted the day.

I have spent quite a bit of the day talking to Scott which has been good and will really make up for the fact I can’t talk to him for practically the whole day tomorrow as I’m in isolation all day…. I’m really not looking forward to it. I’ve discovered that he looks REALLY good in a proper shirt, I think he should wear them more often.

I’ve been looking at starting driving lessons again but I really do think it’ll be way to expensive for the time being, especially when I’m trying to save for uni.

Me and Scott have started to have major problems again tonight. He had ago at me for being upset, which I can’t really help if that’s how I feel, I thought he would have been there for me but instead he had a go at me. I don’t think I’m allowed to have feelings anymore. He posts all our problems on facebook and that kind of annoys me because our relationship is private, I don’t want everyone knowing all our problems like that… Plus I found out that the chain I got him for us being together a year, he never got fixed after it got broken, that kind of hurt me a little bit because that was supposed to be something special, but it can’t of meant that much to him if he’s left it this long. I wish things like this would stop happening between us…

Milly has invited me out with everyone for a Chinese, but I don’t think I’ll be able to go as if I do I won’t be able to afford to do anything with Scott and Stacey when they come to stay in Cambridge.

- OVER AND OUT -

Creative Day

Everything between me and Scott are going so well at the moment, he really does make me incredibly happy.

Today has been a really good day overall, I just feel happier about everything in general.

Got work tomorrow and I have to bike there and back, should be interesting…. But I’m looking forward to it, even if it can will be really busy!

I haven’t got a lot else to say really, all I’ve really been doing all day is planning, the book I’m going to write and I hope it will be the first thing that I can get published, I love writing and I hope that I can be successful doing it. I have also been writing some rap lyrics and starting to produce the song. So I have a bit of a creative day today. Oh yeah, I was looking at doing the race for life but I’m not sure that if I will or not, if I am going to I’ll have a month to get sponsors and train for it… but I’m really not sure about doing it…

anyways, bed time soon as I have work tomorrow!

- OVER AND OUT -

Up and Down

Today has been and up and down day, one minute things are good and and I’m in a good, happy mood the next things are bad and I’m sad and upset.

Me and Scott have been a bit up and down but now everything is good again! and hopefully it stays that way. I LOVE YOU SCOTT!!

Not a lot has happened today really, I’ve just had a bit of a chilled out day as I’m working tomorrow., unusually I’m not looking forward to it, I think that is because I’m so tired at the moment. Plus it will probably be busy as its half term, not fun….

Well there isn’t a lot else to say…

- OVER AND OUT -

Plenty to do today

Today has been quite a busy day.

First thing this morning I spoke to Scott on skype, we had a really good chat so it was a nice way to start the morning off!

Then I had to bike to work which is 3.3 miles from my house it only took me 30 minutes to get there though which was a lot faster than I thought it would take me, it meant that I arrived an hour early for work! I had issues with my bike lock as it didn’t even work… It wasn’t too bad arriving to work early as Bethany arrived about 15 minutes after I did so I wasn’t on my own for long, we had a nice little chat and then went into work on time, checked the rota and waited for everyone to arrive.

We all walked down to the play barn apart from Rosie and Scott as they were working in the shop, as soon as we got in the door at the play barn Bethany got a phone call from May saying that I needed to go down to the shop, so I walked all the way back again.

Once I got in the shop I had full till training on the new till, there was a few people arriving to begin with but as we had bad weather it wasn’t that busy. As there wasn’t many people to admit into the park me and Rosie ended up bagging animal feed to sell, we had quite a good chat while we were doing it too. Then May cam and asked if I could help clean the fish filter with her so we spent quite a while making sure that was totally clean and hosing it down, it was quite funny as May kept worrying about me getting my shoes wet. Then I got asked to catch a guinea pig which was quite easy, it got taken out to an event. When I came back into the shop Rosie was going home because she felt ill so then I spent a while selling tickets and various other items in the shop.

I got to have my lunch at 2pm and went outside with Megan and Bethany and ate my lunch while they had their fags, as their lunch finished before mine we went in early and I finished my lunch inside. When I finished my lunch break Bethany had come down from the play barn to help out in the shop. We spent a while filling up more bags of feed to sell as the shop was really quiet. I was then sent off to go do litter picking which took ages as people seem to find it really difficult to put their rubbish in the bins! Once I had done that I did various other little jobs in the shop, tiding up and things like that. Then May showed me how to clean the outside toilets round the park and the ball pit that took quite a while today and isn’t the best job to be given at work! When I had finished that I went back into the shop and helped Bethany to make some keyrings, then I got to go home!

My Dad came to pick me and my bike up so that I didn’t have to bike all the way home which was pretty nice. My phone started playing up so since about 6.15 I haven’t been receiving texts properly, I think I may have sorted it now but I don’t know…

Scott has been to hospital again, he’s cracked his knee cap… I really hate it when he’s hurt himself coz it really worried me especially as when we’re so far apart I can’t do anything to help.

Been collecting some more software onto my laptop, I now have mac’s photobooth on my windows laptop and I also have sony vegas pro.

Not a lot else to say really, just watching Manchester United in the champions league final and then I’m going to bed because I’m really tired.

- OVER AND OUT -

Sometimes Life Is Busy...

 

Friday Night – Work Outing (Lucky Star & Bowling)

Friday I ended up coming home from college early as I didn’t want to sit through endless optional revision sessions.

I spent the afternoon at Bethany’s having a catch up, we then went to the station to catch (and meet everyone else on) the train. Originally for our work evening out we were supposed to go to Nando’s but because we were going to have to wait 50 minutes for a table big enough to fit us all on (9 people; me, Bethany, Lucy, Megan, May, Scott, Josh, Lucy and Rosie) we decided to go to the Luck Star instead which is an all you can eat Chinese Buffet. We all ate loads of food and as Bethany put it – went into food comas. Lovely May paid for everyone’s food too! We then went bowling although Josh and Scott didn’t come as they were going to a party instead. Bowling was hilarious as May wanted to get us all drunk, plus we were all terrible at bowling. It was a really great evening generally as it was good fun and everyone was just really relaxed. We got a taxi home at about half 11, the taxi journey was really funny as we were all a little bit tipsy.

 

Saturday – Work

This morning was quite a struggle to get up due to the late night, BUT I did manage to get up and out of bed at 7:30 am which I thought was pretty impressive.

I started my day this morning talking to Scott on Skype, which was really nice way to start the day off. Especially now that everything is good between us again, we had a really good conversation and had a good laugh together too.

Today has felt like a really long day as it was really busy at work. I’m starting to feel more settled in the job because I’m becoming more familiar with everything. There are new tills though which are slightly more confusing than the old ones but I’m sure it won’t take too long to get used to them!

I’m starting to come down with a cold but I think that’s because of the lack of sleep I’ve had over the past week or so. I’m planning on having an early night so that I’m prepared for work tomorrow!

- OVER AND OUT -

I got a certificate

Today at college it seemed to be a complete waste of time.

First lesson, business, all we did was some revisions sheets that we had done before.

Second lesson was actually worth going in for I got my certificate for the health course I have been doing, plus i got my t-shirt. Plus our photo is going to be in the college magazine.

Third lesson, media, all we did was play singstar. Me, Shona and Becka best Joe and Saffy it was good fun, but really a waste of an hour and a half.

Last lessons was ICT and it was yet again really pointless. All we did was go through stuff we had done before.

I’m really tired now and just want to cuddle up in bed with Scott… I can’t wait to see him. I really miss him. I’m so glad that we have sorted everything out and that it’s all good between us again.

I’m going out tomorrow night with work, I’m going to my friend Bethany’s (who I haven’t seen since leaving secondary school) house, then we’re getting the train together, then meeting everyone at Nando’s and going bowling. Should be a really good night! I’m really looking forward to it. Although I’m working Saturday and Sunday so lack of sleep may kick in at some point.

Bout it really…

- OVER AND OUT -

I feel like I’m living in the fast lane and I want to slow down

 

Sometimes I feel like everything and everyone in my life are trying to make me move along and decide things faster than I want to. Everyone wants to make plans and decisions, sometimes I don’t want my life to be all mapped out I just want to see where it goes.

College just seems to be passing by so quickly and we are making so many decisions about our future that are going to effect the rest of our lives, I just wish I knew if I was making the right ones, or at least for it slow down a little so that I can think about the decisions I have to make a little more.

It’s like Scott has everything planned for us, already he wants us to be married and have a family, it’s like I’m 17. I want those things too but I’m not planning all of that yet I want to enjoy what is going on now not be planning my whole future out… I guess it’s just scary to think about all of that sometimes, I don’t know how to tell him that we’ve being moving quite fast in our relationship the last few months and I want it to slow down a little without hurting his feelings or hi feeling like I’m pushing him away. I know we’ve been together for a over a year but I feel kind of like my whole life is being decided for me, I don’t mean that in a bad way I just wish sometimes that we could slow down a little and just enjoy our relationship and what we have rather than deciding what is going to happen in the future…

I wish sometimes I could just take everyday as it comes but everyone seems to be wanting me to make some sort of plan or commitment to do with my future, I just wish it would all slow down a little.

I think all of this thinking about life is to do with all of my exams at the moment… but  I’ve been feeling weird and confused for a while about things but I’ve only just really realised what is going on in my head.

I want to take a step back from everything and take a look at everything in a different light so I can really see what is going on without someone pressuring me to make a decision about something.

I feel like I’m in the fast lane at the moment and I just wish someone would but the brakes on everything just for a day or so… just so I can think.

- OVER AND OUT -

1 out of 4

I managed to finish the massive list of entries I got assigned by my data entry boss people in my free today which I was quite chuffed about!

My business lesson at college was pretty boring today we got feedback on our mocks from our teacher individually which meant once your 2 minutes of advice was up you had to sit and revise. As usual in these kinds of circumstances I got side tracked and found plenty of other things to do other than the revision that was in front of me.

Lunch was a normal lunch really nothing exciting happened in particular.

I had half of my free as I had my Media exam today (the first of four exams). I don’t think I did very well in it to be honest as I didn’t understand half of the paper that was worth 50 marks, which could effect my grade quite considerably.

Me and Scott are slowly getting back to how we used to be/ should be , it really is a case of giving it all some time to sort itself out.

I’m really looking forward to Friday, going out with work and getting to see Bethany, it will be good to have a catch up. Then I’m working with her on Saturday as well. Plus I’m working Sunday… This week is turning into a pretty good week for earning money.

I decided to work on the last few parts of my little project so that I would be able to launch it, turns out where blogger was down the whole thing was put back to where it was 3 weeks ago or something stupid so I’ve spent most of this evening rebuilding it, the launch is now being put back by a few days while everything is being sorted out…

Today hasn’t been that interesting really.

- OVER AND OUT -

Exams, stress & more stress

 

Today has been surprisingly good although I’ve been tired all day which hasn’t been to great. Plus it was a full day at college without any frees, although I had a laugh with everyone which made it feel as though the day was passing really fast.

I have my media exam tomorrow, I’m starting to get really nervous for it I don’t feel prepared at all… BUT I have a free first thing tomorrow which means I can revise then.

I have reached just over 900 entries for my data entry job this month, I’m quite pleased with that considering I have really spent much time doing it.

Me and Scott still aren’t great but things are improving although I have just found out next summer he isn’t going to be around at all, add that to the fact we aren’t going to be able to speak/ see each other for 3 weeks this summer, its just…. We don’t get to spend the time together I would want us to anyways now we won’t get to spend the time we could actually be able to spend together. Its frustrating/ annoying/ upsetting…. I don’t know. But there things Scott wants to do so I can’t get in the way of that. Plus next summer is going to be really important for me because it’s the summer before I go off to uni so it would have been nice to have him around for that, but he’s got things he wants to do so…. These things happen, just can’t focus on them too much until they happen. Plus I was hoping that maybe we could have gone away together as I would be 18 by then but we can’t seeing as he won’t be around next summer and I didn’t want to tell Scott because I was hoping to surprise him bit late for all that now.

Not a lot else to say really, need to catch up on my sleep!

- OVER AND OUT -

Bit of a boring day…

There hasn’t really been much happening today, I was at work.

Work – well it wasn’t too busy, just busy enough so that we didn’t get too bored doing nothing, although we did get to come home an hour early as there wasn’t anything to do. I’ve been invited out on the work thing on Friday, a meal at Nandos and bowling, if I go it means I’ll get to see Bethany, she’s the one who got me the job. I’m working Saturday and Sunday next week, it could be pretty tiring. I didn’t manage to get any pictures of any of the animals because I only had a half hour lunch and I didn’t eat it outside, next time maybe…

I’ve entered the new pepsi competition a zillion times and haven’t won anything, by the time (if) I ever win I might as well of just saved the money and I would have £300.

Got college tomorrow, a full day, not really looking forward to it although I’ve only got this week left then I’m on study leave.

Me and Scott haven’t really spoken much the last few days. Things are okay between us, but they aren’t great/ how they used to be. I guess I’ve just got to give it time and see what happens. We didn’t really talk last night, then we ended up having an argument. We’ve not going to be able to talk properly tonight because it’s his Dads birthday on Tuesday and Scott’s family are having a party for him. In some ways it feels as though we aren’t as close as we used to be, I just wish we could have a ‘normal’ relationship without the distance because sometimes it really strains things and makes things seem a million times worse.

I had a great conversation with my ex Louis just talking about loads of stuff last night/ first thing this morning. Its nice to catch up with someone when you haven’t seen or spoken to them in a long time. I also had a really nice conversation with this guy called Joe who is in my ICT class, Joe is lovely and is always a laugh, he’s the one who cheers me up whenever me and Scott have an argument, plus he’s just a really great guy.

Bout it really…

- OVER AND OUT -

Sometimes thinking too much does damage

Today I have felt really weird in myself, like there is something missing in me and my life.

This morning we went shopping and got food because we literally don’t have any in our house, and I when I say we have no food, I mean we have no food. I managed to get myself some decent stuff too, this is why I have to go shopping or otherwise we end up with loads of healthy stuff – this would be a disaster.

I have spent 4 hours sat in the car this afternoon, it wasn’t fun. It was all in the aid of picking up some canvas roof for my Dad beloved series land rover.

Right now I feel like I don’t know what is going on with me and Scott, we are literally having problems everyday. I feel like I’m in the way all the time even today I asked if he would be on msn so we can talk and his reply felt like he didn’t even want to talk to me. I don’t know what I can do or what I should do anymore, one minute everything is okay the next he’s telling me I’m depressive and bitchy all the time. This isn’t how a relationship should be, I wish I could work out what to do… Maybe I’m thinking about everything too much but I had to write it down and get it out of my head because if I talk about it to anyone it becomes about them and how they feel and not about how I feel, so no one ever gets how I feel.

Enough thinking for the day.

I’m really looking forward to tomorrow and going to work.

- OVER AND OUT -