Feels like nothing can go right

I’m still in a bit of a weird mood… I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Everything was finally falling back into place, me and Scott were getting good again, I found my place at college, family stuff was all good… but now I just feel like everything is going backwards.

Me and Scott haven’t really spoken over the last 3 days but that goes back to about a week really with all the bad stuff that went on and all of the arguing, and then with the various things he’s been doing over the past few days it seems sometimes like everything we started to sort out has started to become undone. I feel so bad because he is dealing with so much he’s lost 2 friends in a short space of time and I feel like I can’t be there for him properly because of this distance, I shouldn’t be making this any harder on him by bringing all of this up. I feel like he can’t talk to me, he said he went out tonight so he could take his mind of his friend but I thought talking to me would do that… I guess he needed sometime for himself or something over the last few days but whatever he’s needed it’s beginning to feel like he’s pushing me away. I really do understand he has a lot going on but I wish he’s just let me in because all I want to do is help him.

The other things will sort themselves out in time, I just want my boyfriend back, the person I fell in love with, the person who was always happy, who didn’t worry about everything so much, would make everyone laugh, was always making jokes about stuff… lately I haven’t seen that person hasn’t been inside him. I really miss that side of him. I know in time that person will be back, until then I’ll be by his side helping him through whatever comes his and our way, as much as he lets me in to help.

I can’t wait to see him this weekend

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I stopped writing this post at that point because my parents started arguing again. It’s been happening a lot over the past few weeks I thought it was going to pass, but it hasn’t and tonight everything literally exploded. My mum has threatened to leave and all I can still hear right now is shouting.

I don’t want her to leave but I can’t deal with all this arguing anymore.

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I really cannot wait for this weekend and to be able to spend time with Scott and be able to forget everything that has happened these past few weeks

- OVER AND OUT -

Little fed up

Another day where I feel like I haven’t spoken to Scott properly, but he’s at Tom’s funeral and is supporting his sister so I respect that. He text me earlier saying that he wasn’t going to come and visit anymore, I really couldn’t believe what he was saying after I’d booked time off from work and made it so that I could see him… Apparently it was because of an argument with his parents over his sister, but it’s been sorted out and he’s is still coming.

My heads been all over the place the last few days and loads of little things that wouldn’t normally get to me have…Just gotta work through things one at a time and see where things go. But some people are really starting to get to me, I’ve had enough of people taking me for granted and just expecting me to be there whenever they need me and walking all over me, well it’s not going to be like that anymore. I’m fed up of all the stupid arguments. I’m tired of putting myself last so that I can keep everyone else happy, well it isn’t going to be like that anymore I’m going to start doing things for me. I’m sick and tired of feeling like I’m not good enough, it’s time to move on from everything in the past and move on into the future with the people I want to be in it.

I’m supposed to have a basketball trial tomorrow but I’m still not sure whether I want to go, I don’t really know if it’s worth it.

I’m just looking forward to Friday – if Scott still comes…

- OVER AND OUT -

Just a little thing me and a friend thought up

 

You say I'm crazy, I guess you're right I am crazy about you
You say stay safe, hold me in your arms then
You say I'm dangerous, I guess you're right I'm dangerously in love with you
You say I think to much... that's because you're on my mind every second of the day

Too much to think about

Way too many things going on in my head right now, I just wish it would all go away.

So many people go around treating others like they’re worthless, I don’t get how they can do that to be honest!

I don’t even know how to explain how I feel either…. I thought writing this would help but it doesn’t…

- OVER AND OUT -

A little improvment

Things seem to be improving a little a college, I think I’m finding my place there again.

My poetry is also improving, I’m just writing all the time whenever I have the time… I’m just loving writing again.

Today I journeyed to Burger King with Koshie and had lunch their… I love Burger King… I think I have an addiction.

I got to go home from college early today because my last lesson was technically cancelled. I might have next Thursday off college because of some teacher strikes.

I’m worried about when Scott and Stacey come to stay in Cambridge, because I don’t want Stacey to get up set about me and Scott being together (like physically)… I think I would in her position… So I don’t want things to be awkward for her, but at the same time I want to be able to be with Scott properly for a change especially as we will actually be able to be a proper couple, well at least for a few days… So I don’t know what to do about that….

Anyways, early night as I need to get enough sleep so that I am able to go to work at the weekend…. I have no weekend this weekend I am going to be so dead next week.

- OVER AND OUT -

Ps I might be a properly published poet soon…. all down to if kindle accepts me ebook filled with poems…. already working on my second one, REALLY EXCITED

Feeling Unwanted

I don’t know what to do.

Scott is dealing with so much with his sister at the moment if feels like he hasn’t got time for us, I don’t blame him or Stacey for that at all, I totally understand the situation. He needs to be there for his sister and she should be his priority, I get that I really do, and I probably sound really selfish and completely horrible for saying this, but I just feel in his way at the moment because we haven’t really spoken over that last few days as he’s needed to help his sister, I totally get that – I just need to be patient and wait till he has time for us again, however long that is.

I’m really worried about my cousin, she’s pregnant but it’s really risky because she has a hole in her heart, everything was going really well for her until the last few days, she’s been taken into hospital… the baby is fine but she isn’t and they think it’s to do with her heart.

I feel pushed out by all of my mates too, I really don’t feel like I belong anywhere at the moment, like I have to try to hard to get heard… I’m beginning to give up on everyone. I do the best I can by everyone and all it leads to is being pushed to the side.

Just needed to say this without exploding at someone.

I’m putting together my first proper ebook which has all my poetry in it – it’s looking pretty good at the moment.

- OVER AND OUT -

Rest In Peace

3 people have died in 2 days, its quite hard to believe….

The first of those people is Tom Roy, he was really special to Stacey (Scott’s sister) as he was her boyfriend. I only really met him once but he seemed like such a decent guy and really made her happy and for someone who has been through as much as she has to have someone like Tom was everything she needed and it’s so cruel for him to have that taken away from her.

The second person is James Clennell my friend Bethany’s friend I never met him, but from what she has said to me she has a lot of memories with him. So really my thoughts go out to his family and Bethany and anyone who knew him.

The third person is Ryan Dunn from Jackass. This is different from the two people I’ve already written about as he is famous, but like those I have already written about but like those I have mentioned he has a family and has friends but also a lot of fans that will be sad to here about his passing.

I’ve never lost anyone close to me, thankfully, so I can’t begin to think of what any of these people are going through, but I know they have a lot of people supporting them and helping them get through it, for some people that is a short time and for others it is a longer process and takes a longer time, but they will never forget those who they have lost because of the memories and the impact they have had on their lives.

REST IN PEACE, YOU’LL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN